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Exactly where I was before
koleisfail
I got back home last Tuesday. The first day of our big road trip seems like a distant memory now. The excitement of waiting in the driveway with the rest of my things as Brian came to pick me up, hitting the road whilst it was still dark out, not stopping until we crossed into North Carolina where we had awkward tea/coffee with his parents at the bed and breakfast they were staying at for vacation. Actually spending time in the Smokeys when it was warm enough to camp out. Fucking Kentucky and how I shall never go back again, chased away by stupidity and wild boars. Returning back to our favorite campsite in the Ozark National Forrest. Driving like maniacs again, stopping at an over flow camp lot in Texas and from there driving all night until we finally got to the California desert. The heat didn't even matter, to finally be back in the desert, to drive into Hollywood and get drunk off whiskey the next night. Nights of sleeping in the car, finally making it up to Washington. As we walked in the woods finally hoping that this would be the time when we just stayed in the woods forever, like that happened, but the feeling of thinking it's possible is all worth it I suppose. We got to Yellowstone earlier than expected, spent a week there and in Grand Tetons National Park. Bought bikes in Jackson Hole and decided to take up mountain biking which led to a few days in Utah, etc. Buying baby chicks in Colorado just because we could and they were adorable and the random hippie people we met at the bar there. Apparently according to the 'shroom induced voices of the hippie medicine woman, I am a bear. Good to know I guess. A frustrated sweep back through Carlsbad. A night camping in Roswell. What felt like a mad rush through Texas on I-20 on the way home as we began to get frustrated with each other and picking up the dachshund puppy at a gas station. And just like that we were home again. It was nice though, not having the pressures of a relationship on a road trip, whenever I got frustrated with him, just thinking "well that's his girlfriend's problem now". Part of me wishes that the minute that Brian mentioned a road trip back in June, that I wouldn't have blown Beast off because of it, because I'll always marvel at the hobo adventures we could have had. But I'll never know now. Though the whole "free hotel breakfast" development though was nice, it never does say that you have to stay there to get the free breakfast.

I didn't know what to do when I arrived back. I had Brian drop me off in a grocery store parking lot with the few light weight camping essentials that I could carry on my back as the only things I took with me. I rode my bike around everywhere, until Vee insisted that I crash at her place. That was awkward, I slept in her sister's bedroom, I didn't feel right sleeping on the bed, besides her sister would wonder why her bed smelled like sweaty man. So I slept on the floor and threw a blanket over me. The next morning I left and spent the next day just riding my bike around and slept in the woods, at first I was a bit nervous to be sleeping in the woods alone but after awhile I drifted off to sleep. Beast and I used to talk about being hobos and I now agree that the most difficult part is boredom, figuring out what you will do with your day when you have so much free time. The next day I got my car from my mother's house, I figured being a car hobo would be much easier, since one can always park in a Walmart parking lot and there's less to worry about by sleeping in a car than the woods. This worked for a night. My family found out I was back home so I ended up crashing with them. My sister came down for the weekend, it was my grandma's birthday, everyone was around.

And then this evening, I sit here and realize, that I'm doing the same thing I was before. As if the road trip was just a brief interruption and nothing has changed. For fuck's sake something has got to change, there are no magical epiphanies out there other than the fact that I need to grow up and get my shit together. I don't have money to piss away on road trips that are just a distraction, no matter how much of a wonderful distraction they may be. I just need, I know what I need, I just need to find my "partner in crime" so to speak, someone who would live in the woods with me or do whatever just because we could and nothing else matters. I don't need someone to be madly in love with, just someone who gets me, who I don't fight with over useless things because we know the useless things don't matter. If I ever do get married someday, I want to marry someone who is my best friend, not someone I think I'm madly in love with, because all that love ultimately does is make us hurt each other. If I ever find that person want to propose to them at a plasma donation center, my sister finds this idea offensive as if it takes away the "sacredness" of marriage or whatever, I disagree. The only point of people's weddings and fancy proposals is to impress others, most people are too stupid to realize that love and money shouldn't be tied together. We're all too worried about power or being better than others to just live. I go back to work on Wednesday and I'm excited about going back, as I've said before, I love my job, the pay is just shit.

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