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Reborn Dreams
koleisfail
It's like when you hop in the car for a long drive and put a CD that you haven't listened to since high school and as you listen to it, you think to yourself "I love this, why did I ever stop listening to it? Did I simply just forget it was still there?" I had one of those moments yesterday, but with something else that I forgot I loved- the whole idea of "The Crazy House" that Tiffany and I came up with back in 2011. I've written about "The Crazy House" many times on this livejournal of mine. In its simplest form, it's just a group of friends living in a shitty messed up house and having fun, just living. Not worrying about societal pressures to get married or produce children. Always a dream of mine. And I can't believe I've ignored it for so long once again.
Bekka (aka "Snow Angel Kid", "Shamu" or "Bitch Tits") came over for a bit yesterday. She pulled up in the driveway with a truck, her dad's because given that Beast no longer lives at her dad and the step monster's house, a spot opened up for Bekka until Thanksgiving. Made me feel a little less worse about still living with at least one of my parents. Oh how I have missed Bekka. She lost two teeth in an incident with a hot pocket, but well she'd be the one to be able to pull it off. We were sitting on the back porch talking, just like old times, remembering how 2009 was one of the best summers that ever happened and how Jon Peters is a douche for blowing everyone off, fucker needs to come back around at least for one drunken weekend we'll never forget. How simple life used to be when we'd just sit on my back porch smoking hookah after a dinner at the nearby Waffle House. And well then we started talking about houses and "The Crazy House" came up. I've slept on floors, I've camped in the woods, my standards are much lower now when it comes to housing, which I'm grateful for. Stable floors that aren't rotting or going to, no major foundational problems, leaks or mold growing in or on the walls and decent roofing is all I really care about in a house. We were talking about how we don't care if there was nasty carpet on the floor, stains on the walls, broken blinds and no kitchen appliances. How you'd just throw down industrial grade cheap linoleum throughout because it'd be easier to clean anyhow. One day we could look back and say "What a shit hole we lived in, but that was the best fucking time of my life".
I need some kind of goal to make me focused on something and besides gearing up to make more music for WhoreFacedCrack with Bekka whilst Doctor V manages us, "the Crazy House" is a decent goal to work towards. I ask myself where am I now compared to a year ago? I have less money, I have the same job, but I have more life experience and have been on real adventures. I feel as if I sometimes take for granted all the experiences I've had this year on the road with Brian. It's so hard to believe you're so far away from home even though you've driven for days, weeks to get there.
The urge to get in the car and just drive away to wherever I end up will always be something I fight with. I'll battle my restlessness forever. But in the end, am I not just running? On the road it's "I don't like this place anymore" "It's started raining here" let me drive to someplace else that seems more favorable. It seems like more of a challenge to stay in one place, a challenge I must accept. I'm tired of letting people down by making promises and then abandoning them later. How many times in the past few years have I promised Tiffany that I would go visit her? And have I ever? No. I can go to nearly the complete opposite end of the country and end up in Washington but I can't drive the seven hours up to Pennsylvania to go see her? The worst part is, she knows every time that I say I'll come visit, that I won't, I'm not surprised that she's given up hope and that makes me feel like shit.
I can't wait for it to start getting cool out again, I can't wait to start making totally fucking awesome random shit music again, to sit in Doctor V's driveway and drink. I can't wait for that holiday shopping season work stress that feeds me so much energy (maybe I should get a second job for something else to do). And maybe within the next few months I'll find myself in a relationship, or maybe not. I never worry too much about that, if it happens it happens. I'm still waiting for the right person. One day I'll find someone who gets me. Brian and I didn't work because we'd always fight about money because I'm "too cautious" with mine, because I've never had much nor wanted much, when he is the opposite. He has a void that neither I, nor an excessive amount of domesticated animals can ever fill, no matter how hard I used to try, before I just shut down and gave up. It's simple really, all I could really ask for is someone to sit next to me on an old worn out couch playing on the Super Nintendo to unwind after a long day of work, then running down the streets doing whatever once it gets dark out, regardless of the fact we're exhausted. Someone who'd fuck me behind a dumpster and hold my hand in awkward situations and who didn't give a damn about what people thought about us being together. Someone who'd never be ashamed of me even if their parents hated me and if their parents hated me, they wouldn't care. I want someone to wake-up next to on a mattress on the floor who wouldn't mind waking up on a fucking mattress on the floor. I guess the things I value most in people are trust, humility and a sense of adventure. I dislike people who feel they have to lie or make things up to impress other people. I don't care about your made-up accomplishments or things you say you used to have, all I've ever really appreciated in people is honesty and owning up to the way your life is.

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