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koleisfail
    Everything is telling me to get the fuck out of here, leave go wherever. The destination has never mattered much. It's in those moments when I  pause in frustration only to realize, there's nothing left for me here. How could I get so accustomed to sleeping in a bed again (well given it's only a matress on the floor, but that suits me fine) when not even two months ago I could sleep on a tarp in the woods alone without a problem? I become too complacent too easily and just fall back into routines. I got Jasper because I felt like at least having a pet that was solely my responsibility could help to tie me down, but I could just take him with me, he's a pretty laidback cat. And though having a chicken was a nice idea at first, I'm ready to rescue that little clucker and take my Pancakes to someone with a chicken coop who could accomodate her. At least when I do leave, I have options, people and places I could go to. I've realized it's not a question of if anymore, but merely when.
         I've been doing nice things for people lately, I suppose in a way from this subconcious feeling that I need to build up some good karma before I get myself into some not so desirable things. Empathy is boring, I miss my more sinister side and the things I used to be able to accomplish so easily that now seem like distant memories.

   Last night I was reading through an old notebook that I used to write in the beginning of my junior year of high school. If only I could say the dynamics with some of the people I'd chosen as friends has changed. I've always welcomed people who felt like shit about themselves and used me as their whipping pole to make themselves feel better, into my life, became great friends with someone of them even. I suppose over the years I've learned that sometimes taking the nasty brunt of everyone else's insecurities without feeling lowly and brow beaten because you are comfortable enough with who you are as a person, that's real strength. Sometimes the greatest power is not feeling the need to assert authority or any type of superiority over others because you realize it's not necessary. 

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