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7/13
koleisfail
Four years ago, had you asked me where I'd end up by now, I would have told you I'd be a hobo living in the woods. But my own ambition tends to get the best of me. No matter how hard I may try not to give a damn, I always do. I need a challenge and become too restless.

I should have gone to visit Tiffany years ago, but when I went up at the end of April it was as if the time in between had never even passed. The house was a mess but after staying up half the night talking, that couch was the best sleep I've gotten in awhile. We even made it around New York pretty easy. We'd been following a group around half the day until Tiffany goes "I didn't come up here to watch people shop" "Grab me a map and figure out where you want to go, I'll get us there" And just like that we hit the subway to the 9/11 Memorial and an afternoon walk down in Chinatown with some bubble tea. The next day was Gettysburg and fake candle lighted dinner in an old tavern and getting lost along mountain back roads until we came off the mountain into a different town then where we'd begun. And as the night began to wind down, I didn't want to leave the next morning. But old Jack took the trip pretty well even got decent gas mileage and helped me add three more states to the list.

Living in a house you actually own is a strange feeling, especially if you only use about 40% of the space. Cooper ran off after less than a week which Jasper cat didn't seem to mind. Then on Easter I found my Sophie. White and light brown beer colored toy poodle with a snaggle tooth. Having not eaten meat in over 4 years now, I never thought I'd bring any in my house but I find myself cooking chicken and making her homemade dog food. I never thought I'd love a dog as much as I did Sam since he passed but then I found Sophie cowered up in the back of her kennel at the shelter.

Something exciting is about to happen, but fuck I don't want to jinx it until things are sure and settled.

Corporate Business Day
koleisfail
Toady is the first Friday in March. In my high school and college years I would eagerly await this day for the sheer joy of waking up at 4 in the morning to put on a tie and go to Waffle House for breakfast. Today is Corporate Business Day. Has it really been 13 years since we decided to combine a going away breakfast for Tiffany and Joey's idea to dress up like special business people into one event? One year I drove home from college on a Thursday night just to go to Waffle House the next morning with Jon Peters before driving back up so I wouldn't miss class. One year I brought Beast and Vee was all pissed off. One year Bekka dressed like a office ho and we did jello shots after. The first Friday in March was when Bacon and I got back from our road trip to a house that felt suffocating and boring as he began to turn his affections else where as shit fell apart. One year I went on a camping trip at Huntington Beach drank too much gin and got lost stumbling around the woods for a bit. The next morning I woke up with marshmallow stuck to my face and no recollection of roasting marshmallows in the first place.
Today I went into work and nearly forgot what day it is in the first place. Time slips into this numbing limbo after being in the shop under the flourescents all day. I put mustard on random lunch foods because that's just something I've been doing lately. I took myself off my anxiety meds last month, tired of never really feeling awake while on them. I have to tell myself not to get so irritated by things or not to worry so much, but it's worth it. I actually feel like myself and those odd little quirks that make me enjoyably demented start to creep back in. Go by the house after work just to find that the county still hasn't gotten around to doing the inspections so I can move in. I'm ready to move in so I can bring Cooper home with me. A few weeks ago this stray puppy showed up at my grandparents' house and wouldn't leave the front porch and now he's going to be mine just as soon as things get settled.

.....
koleisfail
The entire downstairs of the house was empty, aside from a few things I had placed in the kitchen cabinets. The only sign of someone living there was all my things in the room above the garage. The emptiness was comforting and even my own thoughts didn't feel crowded, well except for all the nights I'd lie on my floor mattress wishing someday I'd have the courage to load up a backpack and never look back. But the tree we'd used to hug in the front yard has long since been cut down, it had been dying from a fungus or something of the sort. And the time came to empty the house, neatly packed away in a storage unit down the road as I stood in the kitchen that night staring into nothing, pushing myself to set foot out the door one last time.
Beforehand I'd found myself back in Oklahoma for a week. Driving the rental car back from an evening in Tulsa at some 80's themed bar with arcade games wondering where the hell I went wrong. When did I work my way up the ladder into management, making more money than I'd hoped back when I'd gotten out of college? What happened to the Kole who had no worries and could couch surf as a broke person, sipping off a 40 to pass the time? Things were easier when I'd accepted the fact that people thought I'd be a failure, but stubborn me has to prove everyone wrong. I really need that road trip Irvin and I have talked about going on for the past year now.

And well, the tiny house thing is a bust. What's the point of having a house that you can't live in on your own land? I'm only to blame for this because I should've done more research before I bought the damn thing. A park model RV may look like a mobile home, but it is not, despite the fact that the lying fuckers you bought it from had it listed as a mobile home and even stated in the sales contract, but again I should really research these things beforehand. I'd be happy if I can get a third of what I paid for it back at this point. So then off I go to a mobile home dealer because a regular house would still obviously be too big. And well even if your credit score is really high, if you typically make big purchases in cash, like a car or land, then when you actually need a loan you're fucked because no one will give you one. So here I sit stuck at my mother's new house with her until I find some way around all this. On a happy note though at least I got to bring the cat with me which in the end is the most important thing.

2017
koleisfail
It's been well over a year since I've posted on here, mostly because I don't have use of a computer connected to internet to type out long entries and posting one via cell phone would be too much of a pain in the ass.

A lot has happened since my 26th birthday. Somethings good, some bad and well me finally getting my shit together for the most part.

10 days after my 26th birthday we lost my Booger. The stroke she had was a massive one, so by the Tuesday after she'd had the stroke that Saturday she was taken to hospice. It was a nice, quiet place where she was and I took a few days off of worked camped out there with my mother, while my aunt would bring a jug of coffee every morning. She passed with my sister and my mother in the room with her, figures she wouldn't go while I present. And to be honest, I handled it a lot better than I'd anticipated. This probably had to do with how things went the last time I saw her before the stroke, I was mowing the front lawn and she made me stop to give me a glass of water on the porch and I told her "You're the best Granny ever", "No, I'm not" she said, "Really, you have no idea how much you mean to me". I still see her sometimes in dreams. My sister has her chair that she always would sit and watch TV in, since the chair has been taken to my sister's apartment, the TV will randomly just turn itself on.

Then last January, we lost my sweet old Sam, just shy of turning eighteen. My mother held him in her lap and I sat on the floor holding his head in my hands as he went. His ashes sit in a small urn on my table with his old collar around it.

That pretty much sums up the bad things that have happened, so let's move on to the good.

August '16 I got to go to Oklahoma for a week for work, wasn't too awfully exciting except for driving down parts of old Route 66 in the evenings and finding the Blue Whale of Catoosa, but after everything it was good to get away for a week.

The end of last September my supervisor at the time, randomly came up to me and asked if I had a valid passport, which yes I do. Then he asked me if I wanted to go to Australia. And I mean damn, who would turn that down? So I spent five weeks in Australia for work that October. The site wasn't too far from downtown Sydney and on the weekends I hiked around Blue Mountains National Park. I became pretty good at driving on the opposite side of the road and ended up driving everyone around. One Sunday we drove over 3 hours to see some kangaroos on a beach and ended up doing other fun things outside of work like accidentally ending up a strip club, etc. The only downside to the trip was that one of the few places that took Amex (our corporate expense cards) was Mc Donald's and being mostly vegan, there's not a lot of options there.

Right before I left for Australia my mustang was ready to hit the road again. When I drove it from the apartment after moving out, it didn't take me five minutes to realize I wasn't getting rid of that car. So I taught myself how to pull parts at the junkyard and got everything fixed up, there's still a dent, but it's not too bad. I sold the Dart and was glad to have my mustang back, I intend on driving it for as long as the engine will let me.

The Thursday before Christmas while at work I busted my chin open on a shelf and bit down on my tongue and sliced it open as well. I just kept on going until one of the security guys had to tell me "Kole, you need to stop, you're bleeding on the floor". Had one of my bosses take me to an urgent care place and was back to work with a glued up chin after a little over an hour. I didn't want to miss the after work Christmas party that day and I had an interview to be a lead that I didn't want to miss either. In the end, I got the lead job and my cherry pie filling brownies got forth place in our Christmas party bake off thing.

In February I bought a tiny house. It's around 350 square feet so as far as tiny houses go it's on the larger side. I didn't have any place to move it to really, so it's been parked up on my grandparent's land out in the country since. I go up there every other weekend to work on it. I basically had to gut everything and was left with a shell of a house but in the process I've learned how to do a lot of DIY type things like cutting wall panelling, etc. Once I get everything fixed it will still come out under $20,000 which isn't bad for a house.

I recently found land for my tiny house after looking for over two years now, so on October 9th, I will have my closing and be able to get moving with that. By the time it's all said and done (hopefully by the end of the year I will have everything done on the house and get to move in) I'll have my house with a decent yard that has been paid off since the day I bought it. Then all I will need to do is find someone to share my house with because sometimes I get tired of being alone.

As far as work goes, at first I thought I wasn't a very good lead because everything I was doing seemed way too easy, but it turns out that I'm just good at what I do because now I've been moved up to being a supervisor as of this past month. I feel like I'm finally getting my shit together and on my terms. I never wanted a better job that someone just handed to me, I wanted to work my way up and move up based on my performance and that's pretty much exactly what I have done.

I also don't drink much anymore which is weird. I thought I'd always be half drunk and sitting in Vee's garage in my free time but I guess not. One day I just decided I didn't want to drink anymore I guess. Once or twice a month I'll have a craft beer or two and that's about it.

26
koleisfail
I've apparently gotten to the point where I only post on here about twice a year, which is a real fucking shame because I enjoy looking back on the things that have happened in my life.
So let me write about my birthday today, there will be a lot of side tracking interjections as I reflect on things that have happened in the past six months.

I turned 26 today, I still feel pretty young, but given the people around me my age, I feel like I should be married and thinking about kids by now. I wouldn't mind getting married, in fact I would like to meet that special someone wherever the hell they may be and start a life with them; and I don't hate kids as much as I used to, we'll revisit that idea however when I'm closer to 30.

Unlike last year I got to sort got to sleep in this year. No more Target for Kole, fuck Target. Last Christmas season, as I was in the throes of retail hell, doing more work than I ever have because 90% of my co-workers were lazy fucks, along came an opportunity that I couldn't pass up. Out of the revovling door of team leads I had while at Target, there were only three that I actually respected because they got things done rather than sitting in an office most of the day evading actual work; Chris was one of those team leads. Chris was leaving to go to another job as a lead and asked me if I'd be interested in leaving Target when a spot opened up there. Of course I was interested. The interview and application process took a little while but by February 22nd I was finally out of working in retail. I love my new job, I get paid better, get a standard 40 hour week rather than having to fight for hours when business is slow. I get free breakfast and lunch everyday I go to work, don't have to pay for health insurance premiums so long as I don't smoke and get a yearly health assessment. Go out for drinks with the other guys at work every now and then on a Friday night. Even if I'm having a not so great day, it's still a hell of a lot better at my new job than the old one. I'm grateful that I had a team lead who noticed how hard I work and got me into a better job when they left.

I woke up for work this morning at my mother's house, because I slept there last night. About a month ago, I came to the realization that I was tired of living with Victor. Not only was I stuck in this apartment where I had no outdoor space which being me I hate, but I just got tired of cleaning up his shit all the time. And being in that apartment I was just stuck in this holding pattern, no motivation to build my future tiny house, etc. Though I've gotten rid of a lot of things over the past year, I still feel like I have too much unnecessary shit. Let me tell you, couch surfing isn't as easy if you're lugging around a cat and his litter box, you can do it but it becomes less easy than just throwing a bag down and sleeping. No way I'm getting rid of Jasper though, even after what happened a few weeks ago. Jasper woke me up in the middle of the night because he wanted food, I wanted sleep. Jasper got frustrated with me and bit me in the face (he's kind of fat so when he is hungry, he wants his food right then). He bit me pretty well, by the time I walked to the bathroom I had blood running down my face. I went to a doc in the box the next day because I hadn't had a tetanus shot in over ten years. They made me fill out some DHEC form which I thought was stupid because it was my own cat that bit me and he obviously doesn't have rabies. So I get a call saying I have to quarantine Jasper, mearning he and I are stuck at our then couch surfing spot for ten days. The DHEC guy shows up an hour late, it's raining that day so Jasper is hiding under the bed, the guy glances at him under the bed, says "Yeah he looks healthy" and then leaves. Guy doesn't call me back to check on him after the ten day quarantine, so I get this letter saying that my cat can't be located and that I need to go to a doctor to get checked for rabies. I call the guy from the letter and he leaves me a voicemail saying "as long as your cat isn't dead, don't worry about it". Good enough for me.

Drove into work in a car that is sadly not Jack (my red '01 mustang). On February 16th I got in a wreck. It wasn't my fault. This guy in a van comes out of nowhere hits the passenger side, the car spins around after impact and hits the side of another van. I pull into the gas station that my car spun around in front of as does the van I hit when I spun around. I look and see these two guys walking towards the gas station and then they start running off in the other direction. These two guys are the ones in the van that hit me. So it wasn't one of those hit and runs where the other car drives off, these shit heads actually get out of the can and run off. The dumbass left his ID in the van before he ran off, not that it did much good because the insurance on their van is a damn joke, I've been fighting with those stupid fucks for almost four months now trying to get the money to fix the mustang, which it pretty much totaled. I had to move the car from the apartment the other day and even though it was squeaking like creaky metal and the steering wheel has to be held to the side to go straight, I miss that car so much. I practically lived in it latter half of 2013 and went on so many adventures in that car. I don't feel like Kole without my red/orange mustang. Don't get me wrong, I like my new car it's a '14 black Dodge Dart, it gets a lot better gas mileage and I can weave in and out around traffic much easier, but it's not the same.

I volunteered to go into work this morning for a simple inventory audit. Go in for a job that takes about an hour a half and automatically get paid for four hours, so why not?

It was shaping up to be a pretty good birthday, late breakfast afterwards followed dinner and a pub crawl. Not that it happened. I ride with mom to go pick up my grandma for breakfast with us. She didn't answer the phone when I'd called earlier, but I figured she was just out in the yard or visiting with the neighbors. However when we got there she wasn't outside and wouldn't answer the door. Couldn't get in the front door because the screen door was locked in front of it and couldn't get in the back door because it was chained even though we had house keys. We had to call for help and the fire department guy had to use bolt cutters on the door chain. We found my grandma lying in her bed, luckily she wasn't dead but she had obviously had a stroke. So I spent most of my birthday at the hospital with her and other relatives that came by. She can't talk, though she was trying to and can't move her right arm or that side of her face. I love my Booger and I'm going to be a wreck when she dies someday which at the rate things are going, I'll be lucky if we have her around for another year or two. All we can do now is wait and hope she recovers. Seeing her like that makes me realize how much I still want to just live and do random things, the first thing I thought about doing was getting drunk and playing a big game of flash light tag. This was followed by wanting to live in a tent or traveling around like a hobo hopping train cars. If only I had my traveling hobo companion. We all know that that person is long since gone though. I still talk to Bacon though, we plan weekend camping trips and those little escapes make my restless almost bearable. I'm glad he is back around.

Left the hospital around nine o'clock for late dinner and at least one birthday beer with my mom. I considered making a late night stop at Vee's garage, but the garage isn't the same anymore. We don't make music, hell we don't even drink as much. Vee tells me she's getting too old to drink so much, even though she's younger than me and I don't drink as much as I used to.

What I wouldn't give to sit in Vee's driveway drinking and feeling free like I could do damn near anything like I felt back in late August 2013.

Stuck
koleisfail
It's been awhile since I've posted on here. I could catch you up on my life since then like breaking my knee last October or getting so drunk I pissed myself one night in Atlanta. But I'll stick to what I do best, rambling on about whatever is in my head at the moment.

September 2014, when I got back from my last cross country road trip, I was excited to be back. I felt like people at home needed me and that things would be all amazing and whatnot. I looked forward to garage jams with Doctor V and sitting drinking 40's on a couch with Bekka while making horrible, yet innovative music. And now I've lost the garage because sometimes you fuck up so badly that there's no going back to the way things were. Bekka is going to have a kid now, when just a short time ago we'd talk about how we don't like children, it always seems to happen that way, doesn't it?

The other night we let two people crash on the futon in the apartment so they could have a place to sleep before catching a bus back home in the morning. I got to talking with them and all we ended up talking about was traveling, being on the road, going overseas, etc. It made me realize how I miss meeting random people and hearing their stories/advice when you know come morning time you'll all be going your separate ways.

I've tried everything I can think of to try and make this complacent way of life tolerable, from looking at buying land to build a well designed tiny house on and alcohol. But it all just feels like a weight dragging me down until I'm fucking suffocating. I stay in one place for so long that my world just gets smaller and smaller until I forget what it's like to feel released again. Fuck building a house, I just need a truck with a little camper slid over the truck bed and a full tank of gas.

Pub Crawl
koleisfail
 On the 11th I turned 25 and as far as birthdays go, it was a pretty good one. Started out the Wednesday night before by going to one of my new favorite places for a good beer: Frothy Beard Brewing Co. down in North Charleston with a few friends. Had a good blonde ale followed by some cilantro jalepeno beer, I've never been a fan of cilantro, but if you put anything into a good beer, chances are I'll like it then. My birthday begun like any normal Thursday morning, awake at 3am, well half awake until the caffiene pill kicks in, and off to work for a 4 to 12:30 shift. After work my mom met me for lunch; tried out a new place in shopping center called "Noodle Nerd", what a joke, you don't fuck with a man's noodles, MSG is not meant to be the sole flavoring additive for an entire bowl of noodles. I was lamenting at the fact that for less than I paid for a tiny noodle bowl, I could have just hit up my favorite Chinese food buffet down the road. After lunch and a quick change of clothes at my apartment, I decided to go see my dogs and have a nice nap on the couch with them before an evening of drinking.
 Went to Matt's Burgers and Chili for dinner, a horrible sounding option for someone who doesn't eat meat, but I wanted a greasy grilled cheese and a basket of fries before alcohol. Vee came and brought her mom and her dad. As always I enjoy hanging around her dad, cause he's a pretty cool guy, but her mom just kind of makes things awkward. My grandma came with us and through the course of dinner we were soon joined by Alisa, Val, my sister and Kory and Kara. People were taking awhile to eat and I was done, so Vee, her dad and I snuck off to the first stop of the night: Accent on Wine. We were joined by everyone else within a few minutes and my dad stopped by for about twenty minutes. Two beers down and off we went across the street to Homegrown Brewhouse. I was interested in going there intially because Thursdays are "kick the keg night" where they pick a beer they want to get rid of and sell pints of it for cheaper than usual. The beer for the night was "Hop Art", one of the hoppiest beers I have ever tasted, but good and strong nonetheless. Vee was just trying to get down her Radler of lemon soda/ lemon beer, which after a few swigs of my beer tasted just like soda when I tried it. After making a handful of jokes about the "rape hallway" to the bathroom and surprisingly hearing a few My Chemical Romance songs played at the brew house it was time for Vee's mom to drive her and her dad home for the night. To the next bar: Montreux, fuck I couldn't have a birthday pub crawl without stopping by there. Those shots we always loved there, at first we'd always just ask for "those guava rum shots", a few months ago when I was there with Brian he heard the name and thought it was called "Orange Tang", but the damn things are actually called "Orangutang" shots. With a few shots down and some beers most of my pub crawl party headed home for the evening, but I was determined to hit up one more bar before the night was over. When I was at Home Grown I texted Victor and asked if he was going to come up to drink and her said he would. I walked to Ice House, couldn't find a place to sit and headed back down the stairs and who had just pulled up on their bicycle- Victor, talk about good timing. So for the last stop we headed to O'Lacey's. I hadn't been in there since right after I turned 21 and I got so drunk that I pissed myself on the way home. Had some beer and Jager Bomb shot (the special for the night) and then called up my DD for a ride home, feeling pretty content on the night I had.
    The following Friday was supposed to be a recovery day, but the power steering in my grandma's car went out and I had to drive it into the shop for her. I don't know how she made it home as little as she is with no power steering on that massive old Buick she drives, but she somehow made it.
    Saturday, Vee sent me a text of silly putty sculptures her and her dad were making, so I knew it'd be a good night to head over there and work on killing off that bottle of cherry-vanilla spiced rum. While there I got into a bicycle accident by rear-ending someone. So when we're drinking Vee's dad will just randomly hop on a bike from the garage and ride around the neighborhood a bit and I had no idea where he'd go. Interested in figuring this out, I hop on the next available bike, a cruiser bike, while barefoot. At first my half drunken self is trying to wrangle the concept of braking by pushing the pedals back rather than having hand brakes and with no shoes on, putting my feet down to stop isn't a good option. I told Vee's dad I had a bike light in my car, but he said it was more fun riding in the dark, so we're going along, end up on a side walk in a real dark when all the sudden fucker just stops and I slam the brakes on but still run into the back of the bike he's on. Luckily no one fell off their bikes and then we couldn't quit laughing about it for a bit before riding through the golf course back to Vee's house.
  And that sums up the semi-exciting things that have occured this past week or so.

Who's Got The Crack?
koleisfail
I remember when I used to post on this journal nearly every day, or at least once a week, now it's as if either I don't feel like I have the time or that my life isn't interesting enough to write about. Maybe a combination of the two with some other random hinderances thrown in.
I live in an apartment now off the cheap end of Main Street with Victor, who works at Target with me. I thought moving out would be some big thing, but it's exactly the same as when I lived in an apartment while I was in college, the only difference is I go to work instead of going to classes. Perhaps college was a waste of time since it doesn't look as if I'll end up using that accounting degree after all. I sometimes think if I could go back and do it over, would I have even gone to college or just started out as the working man that I am? I would have gone, just for those two trips over to Germany for my German minor of study. Traveling overseas and backpacking around helped stir up the restlessness that is my life and though annoying at times, I couldn't think of another way to be. We've nearly made it through five months of the year for 2015,and I haven't even left South Carolina. All of my camping trips have been confined to state parks, though that isn't necessarily a bad thing, unless you count that night around the camp fire in March when I drank nearly an entire bottle of gin and ended up lost in the woods for half an hour trying to make myself throw-up. All in all, that night was a pretty good camping night.
Let's talk about relationships or as typically is the case, my lack thereof. I'm sure if I tried I could be in one, but fuck it, if something's meant to work out it will, I'm not going to be with someone just to not be alone. Me and Bekka made a pact that overrides my marriage pact with Tiffany. Apparently I am getting married on June 10th, 2017 to Bekka of all people, that's our pact. I mean mentally, emotionally, etc she actually does "get me", we've both changed a lot over the past two years and would work on that basis. The physicality would be the bitch of a thing since I want to be with a man. We made an agreement that if we did cash in on the marriage pact that we could both go off and sleep with other men, so long as we didn't bring any STDs to the table. It's not about what you do during the day anyway, it's about who you come home to and lie next to at night. Vee said this whole agreement/pact thing sounds like a beginner's guide to polyamory.
Vee's garage has become more a place to just relax, drink, jam and whatever the fuck we feel like on whatever evenings/nights our work schedules agree. We record beautiful music on my cassette tape recorder that we listen to later, sober and say "I don't remember recording that, but I like it." We've been covering Moldy Peaches/Kimya Dawson songs along with anything from My Chemical Romance's "Black Parade" album. There've been 1am Taco Bell/ Mc Donald's runs and Jake running back into the garage as we realize "fuck we forgot to put the dog on a leash." Vee passed her state exams and works at a Great Clips now by the way. Oh and Brian is moving back to California, to Joshua Tree.  It's odd to think he once meant so much to me and now I really don't even care that he's leaving. Ever since that morning in bumfucknowhere Texas in that hotel room when we were
yelling at each other, mostly him calling me a Jew with money etc, I realized that if I didn't have money I was pretty much useless to him and that wasn't something I wanted anymore. He just needed a road trip buddy then and before, had I been broke, he'd have just found someone else. I do miss the man he used to be when he would say all that bullshit about being a for hire killer or some type of con man of the sort and we'd go around shooting guns in the woods and exploring abandoned buildings. Any hints of that man or what he could have been have been dissolved into the useless mush of a spoiled trust fund hipster douche he is.
I'm going to try to post on here at least weekly, so rather than reflective summaries I can throw in some actual day to day excitements of my life as a half drunken, bachelor, working man.

2015
koleisfail
  It's been awhile since I've written on here. In the past few months, rountines have stayed, things seem the same a bit, but different all together.
 Vee graduated Saturday before last, to say that I'm proud of my bro feels like an understatement almost. I went with her family to her clap out/graduation and then we celebrated afterwards. Sunday night jam sessions have turned into Saturday night jam sessions where we still sit in the garage, drink and play music. Vee has a wheel chair now that she sits in during jam sessions, we don't know how the wheel chair even got there, it just magically appeared in the trunk of her mother's car one day. After Vee's graduation I got real buzzed and pushed her up and down the street in the wheel chair for "victory laps"!
 My sister lives with my dad now, sleeping on the old couch that I used to. Sometimes I really miss that couch and the freedom of the fact that my father couldn't care less whenever I came or left but at the end of the day that couch was there to crash on when I needed it. I've recently been thinking about loading up the car again and going from couch to couch of people I know, but that's what I got Jasper for, having a cat ties you down a bit, the only kind of anchor I need. I want to build a tiny house though, it makes sense, I don't need much space and I'm always bitching about how much stuff I have anyhow, the process of getting rid of more and more things I don't need has been nice. All I need is some land to build my tiny house on (which finding has been much harder than I'd anticipated) or to build one on wheels so I could live wherever.
I started hanging out with Bekka again, which I'd missed. I was house sitting for Brian when he went on a road trip and one night while Bekka was couch surfing inbetween jobs, I picked her up and we crashed there one night drinking cheap 40's on the couch and eating Checkers. She lives up in Holly Hill now, hop on the interstate, take a right, then a left and then turn right onto the driveway she lives off of. It's a good half hour or less drive there from work, but it's in bumfuck nowhere and for that I can see why she likes it. The other day I went up for a visit and we drank, watched a movie and then listened to her roomate's band rehearse in their studio. I plan to make trips to visit Bekka at least a weekly thing and next week, Vee will finally be able to come up with me to go visit!
  For once things feel as if they're finally starting to fall into place. This is the longest stretch I've continually been on my meds in years, which is always good. I feel as if I've got the right people around me. I haven't talked to Brian in awhile, mostly because I got a new phone/number and am yet to text him from the new number, but really because I feel like that part of my life is over. He and I are not alike and I don't want to be around people anymore where I feel like I'm always trying to decipher what is or isn't total bullshit.

Things are going to start changing, not because some big thing that I don't know about yet is going to happen, but because I'm going to make them change.

(no subject)
koleisfail
 It's getting around that time of year again, when the holiday season starts to begin and people go into a rabid frenzy of buying all their consumer products that society has convinced us that we would be simply lost without. I'd be lying if I said that I didn't actually enjoy it, simply due to the fact that it gives me more to do at work. If I'm at work I have to be doing something, I'm horrible at this whole 'standing around and acting like I'm working even though I'm not' thing. The constant preoccupation with work and being tired after a long shift really tones down my feelings of restlessness, not to mention the weather, traveling around in the cold and sleeping in a car trying to get warm isn't exactly the most comfortable thing. Though I'm yet to turn to the heat on in my room, so there really isn't much of a difference I suppose.
The other week after he got back from his camping trip in Tenesse, Brian started to pitch this "traveling solely by foot" trip adventure. It was this proposal that made me realize how different the two of us really are. When I think of traveling by foot, I think hitch-hiking, walking through random towns, train car hopping, along with the occasional riding of a "borrowed" bicycle; basically going anywhere and everywhere in the country and possibly up to Canada for a bit. I had this random vision of hopping fences and going to find Beast, telling her to pack everything she needs into a backpack so that we could go run around like the hobos we've always been, going around and forming a band of hobos running aimlessly until no one could run any longer. Brian's idea was of hiking the Applachian trail. See, not on the same page at all. If I do go running off again, it's not going to be on some 42 day adventure, it's going to be for years, years and more years.
I finally got Pancakes to my house a few weeks ago, I bought chicken wire and made her a little chicken run and everything. She would take a liking to flying out however and sitting in the bushes by the fence and pecking around until I came back outside to put her back in her run. One morning my 15 year-old arithritic, deaf, missing half of his teeth, no larger than a full grown-cat, dog Sam killed her when I let him outside to pee. I walked outside when he wouldn't come in and asked him "Sam, why are you eating leafs?... Shit those aren't leafs, they're feathers!" He ate the entire top half of Pancakes and one of her wings. I don't what was worse having to bury half a chicken or the fact that Sam started throwing her up later, feathers, skull and all. Dot died yesterday, Brian said his dog got her, I think she froze to death and he was just borrowing my story to look better. Either way, after having a pet chicken and bonding with her, seeing how they have their own personalities and will become attached to you, getting excited when you come out into the backyard to play with them; I'm more certain than ever that I'm most likely never going to eat meat again as long as I live, it's been almost a year now since I have eaten any. I still eat fish, but not that often.
My sister moved back home. Her and her fiance broke-up, it just goes to show you, when you realize that things don't work with someone you're with anymore, you should always just get out, it's never too late to start over.
I look forward to drinking Silk-Nog and rum in the very near furture and drinking a lot while sitting in the back of the truck while going to see the festival of lights. I'm not sure how I feel about celebrating the holidays, I'll miss the simplicity of jamming a live tree into a ten gallon bucket and trying to make it not follow over, whilist Vee tops it with a paper bag with a drawn on star that says "you tried". Though it's around the time of year when I want to leave the house before sunrise on a day off, go to that abandoned part of beach and watch the sunrise or walk around abandoned places and cemetaries at night.